All Rainbows and Unicorns

My Superheroes story was written in Fall of 2007. It has now been four and half years since my dad's stroke. I wish I could tell you that life is all rainbows and unicorns but that simply isn't true. There are bad days and good days. I would like to be all inspiring and tell you that we have found a way to rise above it all but that fact is we are human. We haven't risen above it. We may put on a happy face but it just masks the pain.

I am constantly asked how my dad is and how my family is handling it. While I truly appreciate those who genuinely care, I have to tell you that I hate that question. How am I supposed to answer that question? He isn't dying but he isn't great either. How do you explain to someone that my dad had to learn to walk again, and learn to live with the use of only one hand while the other just hangs from the shoulder, and his ability for driving has been limited? He can no longer play the guitar, go backpacking by himself, or have normal cognitive reasoning like the rest of us have. The things he once loved to do, have now become challenges. He is no longer the person he wishes he was. I can see it in his eyes how badly he wishes he could go back five years.

Sometimes when people have asked me that question I have actually answered "he's alive." I know how lucky I am that he is alive when he could have died. I try to tell myself each day that I should appreciate what I have while others have lost or are losing their loved ones. I know that there are people out there who are in worse situations than the one I am in. However, this does not console me. I really try and then when I get upset or down on myself, I just feel guilty about how ungrateful I am being. But frankly, I am just so angry.

My father's stroke has affected me on so many levels that I can't begin to delve into the specifics. I ask myself and "God" why this happened all the time. Is there some important lesson that I am supposed to learn? If there is, I haven't found it yet. Someone recently told that God doesn't let things happen to people who can't handle them. I think that is some one's way of making them feel better about what comes their way. Honestly, I don't know how much more I can bend before I break. But if what this person says is true, God has a lot more faith in me than I do in myself and in him.

Despite all the anger and sadness, I keep on keeping on. I wake up each morning and take on the day. I love my family so much and I am so thankful for having them. I try to look at the positive and appreciate the improvements and the accomplishments that my dad makes. And although today may not be all rainbows and unicorns, I try to remind myself that tomorrow will be.